Week Six? or Weak Sex?

So, I figured that if I was going to be honest in this blog, I would eventually have to tackle the question of postpartum sex, or “intercourse,” as it's referenced by the index of “What to Expect...” My challenge in the balance of honesty and privacy, is to reflect on the issue with respect for my wife and our marriage, while informing and entertaining the reader. Luckily, just the topic of sex reverts most grown adults into giggling goof balls, so this shouldn’t be too difficult. (Plus, I got the approval of my editor/wife).

I am sure that there are some men and women whose frustration over postpartum sex ranges from mild to absolute rage and confusion. Nicole and I have experienced our fair share of the spectrum. However, as we approach week nine, I think I am just now understanding how to deal with this experience. To be clear, let’s turn to the textbook.

Sexual issues you may experience after childbirth:

Hormones - Like we needed more of these pesky little chemicals swirling around our brains. A mother’s hormonal readjustment can screw around with sexual desire, and quite frankly, Dad’s hormones are not exactly stable. So the competing up and down of parental hormones makes the coordination of libidos nearly impossible.

Don’t Rush It - They say it could be less than six weeks. They say it can take longer than six weeks. Ah ha, once again we get an answer that amounts to, “We Have No Clue.” I wish I could get away with this line of reasoning in my everyday life. “Honey, I guarantee you I will be home from rehearsal either before midnight, or after midnight.”

Expect Some Discomfort - It goes without saying that birthing a child can and usually does cause some damage. Of course, this translates into sexual pain, even after the healing. I totally respect the strength of women, and have nothing to say other than Ouch...Big Ouch!

Don’t Expect Perfection - Well, since I can’t exactly swear to my own “perfect” sexual abilities pre-baby, I think it would be pretty ballsy of me to think I would be “perfect” at sex afterwards. I’ll settle for gosh darn good, and making an effort to improve every chance I get.

Express Love in Different Ways - Hugging, cuddling, kissing, caressing, uh, use your imagination.

Ok, let recap: We are essentially hormonal people who shouldn’t rush it, but if we do have sex we should expect some discomfort, without perfection and in the end we should feel comfortable expressing love in different ways. AH, I GET IT! We are Teenage Virgins all over again! That doesn’t sound so bad at all. In fact, that is my ultimate conclusion. This is the closest I will ever be to a teenage virgin without facing jail time and divorce, so I am going to take advantage of the opportunity and get to the necking ASAP!