Torture Method #132

If you’re a woman upset with your man, the following is one of the most effective passive aggressive techniques available: Wait for the moment when he’s in bed, after he’s done reading or watching the evening news. Wait until he gives you the final kiss goodnight. Wait until his head hits the pillow, and then wait one beat longer, and say: “I missed my period this month. Remind me to pick up a test tomorrow.”

This accomplishes two goals. First, hormones will flood the nervous system. These hormones carry the signal of intense fear. Second, restful sleep is virtually impossible because the burden is on him to remind you to buy a test.

You’ll invariably be faced with a man who wants a resolution immediately. Remember, regardless of truth, stick to your story. You do NOT have tests in the house. If he knows that you do, maintain that they ARE expired. If he knows where they are NOT, or insists on running out to the store to purchase fresh tests, you’ll have conveniently urinated 5 seconds prior to delivering the “nightly news.”

Now, it’s important that you get a good night of sleep. You want him to suffer while you’re at rest. To get him off your case, explain that you will verify the situation first thing in the morning. If you’re paying attention, you probably already guessed the next step: forget the conversation ever happened, don’t buy the test, and don’t call him. Without question, he will call, text, and e-mail you throughout what you will later refer to as “the busiest day ever.”

When you are sufficiently pleased with his pain, you may let him know that he can relax. The test was negative. This method will successfully provide hours of entertaining torment. Feel free to print and frame the e-mails and text messages as a symbol of a job well done.

BONUS: This method can continue to another level. After you explain that the test is negative, become angry at you man’s reaction to the news of a potential pregnancy. Why wouldn’t he be honored to share the gift of life with you? The possibilities are endless.